Tuesday, April 27, 2010

No Words

This post is hard to write. There are so many things I want to say, and I have no way of saying them. No words can express all my feelings. But I have found writing, even if the words are imperfect, to be healing, and so I write.

We were expecting a baby this November. We were overjoyed. I bought the boys "Big Brother" t-shirts and taught them to say "baby" and "sesame seed" (our nickname for our baby). We were planning on spreading the news when I was 10 weeks along, and we enjoyed having our little secret surprise. We loved being a family of five.

But on April 11th, we lost our baby. I was 9 weeks pregnant. I know it doesn't sound like a very long time to grow to love someone, but I spent over 1000 hours carrying our little baby, and I felt her spirit in our home from almost the moment she was conceived. We love her, and we will always love her.

The hardest part of losing our baby has been not knowing how to grieve. We had no body to bury, no cheek to kiss good-bye. The people we loved most didn't even know there was a baby to be lost.

I know she is safe, but I have so many questions, and my heart just aches to hold my baby. I have found that writing my thoughts and feelings has helped to heal my heart a little, so I created a blog for my little lost baby. I also hope that it will help her to be remembered. I don't want her to be forgotten.

Naming her has also helped. We named her Cecily. If you'd like to read the story of how we named her, please feel free to read her blog: RememberingOurCecily.blogspot.com

I want to apologize for telling so many of you this on our family blog instead of in person. I know that it is impersonal, and I wish I had the strength to say these things out loud. I'm so sorry. I just couldn't find the words.

19 comments:

Paige said...

Oh Kristi, I'm so sorry! That is so hard! There are so many unanswered questions when it comes to miscarriage. I'm so, so sorry!

Taylor and Kristin Williams said...

I'm so sorry to hear this Kristi! We'll be praying for you and your family.

Brittany said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I found your blog on the babycenter twin board (I'm brittanymang) and just had to tell you that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Me said...

Kristi, I'm so sorry! My heart aches for you. My thoughts will be with you and your sister at this time (since you both lost your babies)

Kylee said...

Kristi...my heart goes out to you. I have had multiple miscarriages, and they are not easy. You do form an emotional attachment to each baby, no matter how long or short you have them. It is a tough emotional and physical recovery. Good luck! Feel free to email me if you want to "talk" about it...I have been through it a number of times and understand a lot of what you are going through. At least little Cecily is now home with Heavenly Father!

Rachel said...

Keep your chin up, girly-girl! What a good mama you are. I'm so sorry for what you are going through- you guys are in my thoughts!

Rob, Michelle and Luke Greer said...

Oh, this broke my heart. You are lucky to have three sweet boys to comfort you.

Jaclyn said...

I am truly sorry to hear about your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family. Love you guys!

ambyr said...

oh my word, I am so sorry... I can't imagine. but I'm so glad that you named her and have a blog about it!!! our thoughts and prayers are with you!!!!

Nichols Family said...

I'm so sorry Kristi. Jordan and I are so sad for you and Steve. We can't imagine at all how you guys are feeling right now. We miss you guys. A huge hug from the Nichols Family. :)

Michelle said...

I am so sorry Kristi. I found your blog post on facebook. I wish that I could help you out. Hugs from Arizona!
-Michelle (McClellan) Boyd

Yankee Girl said...

Love you so much. I think it is wonderful that you have a blog for little Cecily.

Lea said...

Just ran across your blog during my "blog surfing" this afternoon. I am so sorry for your loss and pray that you will feel the Lord wrapping you in His love and comfort during this difficult time. Blessings to you!

Karissa said...

Kristie, I'm so sorry for your loss. If there's anything I could do to help, please let me know. God loves you, your family, and your Cecily!

Annah said...

:( Your boys are beautiful. God does love you and know what's best.

Annah,
http://whenredmeansgo.blogspot.com

trassy dicosta said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Daniel & Kelli McDowell Family said...

Kristi-
wish I had words that would make it better. Trust the Lord, hang in there and know I'm thinking of you!

Kumiko Mae said...

im so sorry to hear. all hug.. Im sure she's fine with our Maker now.

Kumi

sophiie-e said...

i´m so sorry kristie. i think it is good to talk about it. maybe that helps.
i wish you all the best.
love sophie from germany