No Words

This post is hard to write. There are so many things I want to say, and I have no way of saying them. No words can express all my feelings. But I have found writing, even if the words are imperfect, to be healing, and so I write.

We were expecting a baby this November. We were overjoyed. I bought the boys "Big Brother" t-shirts and taught them to say "baby" and "sesame seed" (our nickname for our baby). We were planning on spreading the news when I was 10 weeks along, and we enjoyed having our little secret surprise. We loved being a family of five.

But on April 11th, we lost our baby. I was 9 weeks pregnant. I know it doesn't sound like a very long time to grow to love someone, but I spent over 1000 hours carrying our little baby, and I felt her spirit in our home from almost the moment she was conceived. We love her, and we will always love her.

The hardest part of losing our baby has been not knowing how to grieve. We had no body to bury, no cheek to kiss good-bye. The people we loved most didn't even know there was a baby to be lost.

I know she is safe, but I have so many questions, and my heart just aches to hold my baby. I have found that writing my thoughts and feelings has helped to heal my heart a little, so I created a blog for my little lost baby. I also hope that it will help her to be remembered. I don't want her to be forgotten.

Naming her has also helped. We named her Cecily. If you'd like to read the story of how we named her, please feel free to read her blog: RememberingOurCecily.blogspot.com

I want to apologize for telling so many of you this on our family blog instead of in person. I know that it is impersonal, and I wish I had the strength to say these things out loud. I'm so sorry. I just couldn't find the words.

Easter 2010

Here are some pictures from our Easter this year. We visited the Easter bunny, dyed eggs, and had an egg hunt. The boys really enjoyed themselves. We're grateful for holiday traditions that can build family memories like these.

But even as I post all these darling pictures of my boys and reflect on all the fun we had, I know that this is not the best part of Easter. Bunnies and eggs and candy are wonderful, but there are much more powerful symbols -- the cross, the bread and water, the empty tomb -- that give us hope of better todays and better tomorrows.

I want my family and friends to know, that I know Jesus Christ lives. He is the Son of God. He is risen, and because of His power over death, we will all live again. As a wife and a mother, that brings me such comfort. I know that not even death can separate me from the ones I love. Happy Easter! :)

Erik and David didn't really enjoy the Easter bunny. Maybe next year...

Erik helping Mommy decorate Easter eggs.

David helping too!

The finished products. :)

David having a fun time collecting eggs.

Erik wondering why this egg doesn't open.

Off to find some more.

One of the blessings of being a twin. Sometimes you get two Easter baskets, if only for a while.

What? We eat ground food at home. Why can't we have a little ground candy?

Erik shoved three whole whopper eggs in his mouth. He couldn't even close it, so the colored drool just kept coming. Gross! Of course I didn't have any baby wipes either, so he just had to be sticky until we got home.

It took them a bit, but they got the idea that eggs go in the basket.

They never figured out that the green basket was David's and the blue basket was Erik's. They both put eggs in both pretty equally. :)

And of course, baskets are good for more than just eggs. Other treasures (like blankets) can go in there too.

Basket-head David! :)