No Words

This post is hard to write. There are so many things I want to say, and I have no way of saying them. No words can express all my feelings. But I have found writing, even if the words are imperfect, to be healing, and so I write.

We were expecting a baby this November. We were overjoyed. I bought the boys "Big Brother" t-shirts and taught them to say "baby" and "sesame seed" (our nickname for our baby). We were planning on spreading the news when I was 10 weeks along, and we enjoyed having our little secret surprise. We loved being a family of five.

But on April 11th, we lost our baby. I was 9 weeks pregnant. I know it doesn't sound like a very long time to grow to love someone, but I spent over 1000 hours carrying our little baby, and I felt her spirit in our home from almost the moment she was conceived. We love her, and we will always love her.

The hardest part of losing our baby has been not knowing how to grieve. We had no body to bury, no cheek to kiss good-bye. The people we loved most didn't even know there was a baby to be lost.

I know she is safe, but I have so many questions, and my heart just aches to hold my baby. I have found that writing my thoughts and feelings has helped to heal my heart a little, so I created a blog for my little lost baby. I also hope that it will help her to be remembered. I don't want her to be forgotten.

Naming her has also helped. We named her Cecily. If you'd like to read the story of how we named her, please feel free to read her blog: RememberingOurCecily.blogspot.com

I want to apologize for telling so many of you this on our family blog instead of in person. I know that it is impersonal, and I wish I had the strength to say these things out loud. I'm so sorry. I just couldn't find the words.